“Pay close attention in conversation to what is being said , and to what follows from any action. In the action, immediately look for the target, in words, listen closely to what’s being signaled.”
– MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS 7.4
Holiday, R., & Hanselman, S. (2016). The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living. Portfolio.
Through the work of the psychologist Albert Ellis, Stoicicism has reached millions of people through what’s known as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). As a form of a therapy, CBT helps patients identify destructive patterns in their thoughts and behavior so they can, over time, direct and influence them in a more positive direction.
Of course, Marcus Aurelius had no formal training in psychology, but his words here are as important as any doctor’s. He’s asking you to become an observer of your own thoughts and the actions those thoughts provoke. Where do they come from? What biases do they contain? Are they constructive or destructive? Do they cause you to make mistakes or engage in behavior you later regret? Look for patterns; find where cause meets effect.
Only when this is done can negative behavior patterns be broken; only then can real life improvements be made.
Being an observer of your own thoughts might seem paradoxical, for the observer (you) has its own layer of thoughts from which he judges the first layer of thoughts (the original thought). Nonetheless, it’s a useful mechanism to process your thoughts, scrutinize them and reshape them before your brain marks them as finished thoughts. In this process, try to identify key points that will help you determine the nature of the thought, and where it will take you:
– Why am I thinking this? Are my feelings making me think about this? If so, should I be still thinking about this or has this chapter ended? Is it something in the past which I can still influence? If not, finish processing it, learn from it and stop reliving it.
– Is this thought productive or am I fantasizing? Are they healthy thoughts? Will they lead me to any destructive actions? Does my organism need to rest and fantasize right now? If yes, close your eyes and enjoy it, then get back to work.
On having acute awareness in conversations:- Mindful listening: Focus entirely on the speaker, avoiding the urge to prepare your response while they are still talking. This helps you truly understand what is being communicated.
– Reflect before responding: Take a brief pause after the other person finishes speaking. Many times, when the other party is asking for important advice, feedback and/or an answer, it doesn’t mean it needs to be given on the spot, and you can take a longer pause to process, reflect and process your response.
– Is a response necessary? Do you need to respond for the next step? Is your ego responding to defend its pride? Will the response generate a productive move forward or will it turn into an ego yelling contest?
– On difficult conversations, observe the other party and try to take hints as to where might his thoughts be coming from? Did he have personal struggles recently? Does he have a broader objective that you’re aware of? What were other of his past actions motivated by? (greed / survival / love, etc.). This might help you get a hint of what the other party’s goal is.
My Daily Stoic: